Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight's show is a real highlight.
Our guest isn't only
highly intelligent
but also extremely beautiful.
We'll be talking to a German author recently selected by Time magazine...
as one of the 100 most influential people in the world.
Her books have appeared in over 100 countries.
- Welcome, Katharina Meese. - Good evening.
- It's an honor to have you here. - Thank you.
Your novel "Free Flight"
will be filmed. This is surprising,
- because you're known as a fierce critic of film adaptations of novels. - Yes.
What happened?
After long negotiations, I was satisfied that I would...
... get lots of money?
It has been rumored that the successful filmmaker
Rob Kaufmann will be directing...
- Henry Lehnbach is not home. - Geez, Henry!
Is the man in white the right choice?
Henry, it's your agent, pick up! I know you're there!
I've got big, big news for you! Be at Caf? Einstein tomorrow at 11.
Be on time!
Esther, you're an hour early.
Who's Esther? It's me, Bine!
- Who? - Bine!
I thought you were in Tibet.
- I'm back. Open up! - I can't today.
- Why not? - I have to write.
- I have a deadline tomorrow. - You won't regret it.
Let me just say "Kamasutra."
Okay, but only a half hour.
You know, when you're there, looking...
at the mountains...
and the people there, it's so unreal.
It's not about changing my ring tone.
I really changed myself, you know? I know where I stand
and where I can be myself.
I learned how to find and love myself,
how to articulate myself.
It's important for a woman to learn...
- to put her needs first. - Time's up.
Don't be so uptight. Come back over here.
Oh, no more condoms. Too bad.
So get some while I wait here patiently,
- watching TV. - Another time, sure. I'm expecting someone.
- Yeah? Who? - You'll miss your bus!
- Pipe down, I can't hear. - Out of my bed, now!
- Are you crazy? - Out!
Forget it. I won't be pushed around by the likes of you!
You know what? I'll go get condoms.
That's more like it.
- Esther, you're 20 minutes early. - What's the problem?
- I wanted to spruce up for you. - Out here?
- Who is she? - Who's who?
- The woman who just answered the door. - My mother.
- I thought she was dead. - Me, too.
You're such an asshole.
- Come, let's go to your place. - I came all the way from Potsdam.
- Potsdam's nice. - You take me upstairs right now
- and introduce me to that woman. - No way.
- 380 Euros? - That's right.
- You guys take checks? - Is there a sign on my face that says I'm an idiot?
- Cut me some slack, guys. I need the car. - I get the money,
you get the car. No money, the car goes to Africa.
- To Africa? - Africa.
- Do you at least have a garage to keep it in? - A garage?
Does this look like a 5 star hotel?
Send the piece of crap to Africa.
Can you lend me 380 Euros?
You're late and ask for cash rather than apologize?
No more loans. Ask your honeys.
- 250? - Forget it.
Alright, so what's the big news?
The "Forest Ranger" is being canceled.
- No. - Yes.
The ratings are awful.
- What's so funny? How am I supposed to pay my rent? - Just sign here.
- What's this? - Katharina Meese wants you to write her film adaptation.
- Is this candid camera? - I thought so, too,
but there was no camera
and Alan Funt didn't jump out either. It can't be an April fools' joke,
because it's the middle of July. Don't you get it? It's your comeback!
- Aren't you happy? - But why me?
You used to write such beautiful stuff together.
Maybe she still loves you. But what does it matter, really?
She wants to meet you tonight at 8. So put on something nice
and be on time for a change. You can manage that, right?
May I?
- What? - You left the tag on.
- God, how embarrassing. - I'll get it.
- 1,200 Euros? - It's cashmere.
You used to think that anything over 200 Euros was immoral.
- Yeah, it is. - So why do you buy it?
- Should I feel guilty? - No, it's okay.
You can afford it. You're on a roll.
- Are you going to do it? - Who else could make a good script of your novel?
- You've read my novel? - Yeah.
- You never read other people's stuff. - Well, it was my idea.
- You thought it was crap. - No reason to steal it from me.
You gave it to me.
Gave it? You snooped around my garbage and took it with you.
I wasn't snooping. I took it...
when you threw me out and told me I could keep the trash because
- our relationship was worth just as much. - Let's change the subject.
You have a boyfriend?
I had one. Unfortunately, he had the same problem as you.
- And what's that? - He couldn't handle my independence.
Really? What a loser.
Why is it that all men have a problem with that?
- Instead of being proud of their partner? - I was always proud of you.
You did a good job of hiding it. - I didn't want you to get a big head.
Yeah, right. And do you have a girlfriend?
No, I enjoy my freedom. I'm completely autonomous.
If I'm having a crappy day, which almost never happens, it's my problem.
- Did you ever miss me? - Yeah, a lot.
- Really? - Yeah.
Then I would tell myself that I was just idealizing our relationship.
- Men do that. - Do they?
Men only remember the good times, women only remember what went wrong.
- That's not true. - Yes, it is. Let's do a little test.
Our trip to New York.
You're a piece of work. We never went to New York.
You're full of it.
See, you're a woman and you can't remember.
- Your place? - No, yours. I still don't have a lock on the trash.
Here we are.
- What'll you have? Whisky? - Whisky.
Maria, please get him a whisky.
- I have to freshen up. - Oh. Henry... Maria.
Good evening, Henry.
Good evening.
- Nice place. - Yes.
- You been here long? - 2 years.
- What's a place like this cost? - It's better if you ask Katharina.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
Have a seat, it's very comfortable.
Okay.
Yeah.
What the hell?
Cool, huh?
Ha, I knew that one.
Orange juice?
Yes, please.
Join us.
Katharina, while you two were sleeping like babies, I had lunch.
- Orange juice? - Thanks.
- Oh God, it's 12:30 already. We can't do this. - But it was great.
- Anything else? - That's all, thanks.
Bon appit.
- It was great, but we can't do it again. - Why the hell not?
Henry, I want to write the perfect script.
When we've done that, we can lay around all day...
- and screw our heads off. - I don't need any incentives.
This is no joke. I need to be able to depend on you.
No ego trips. We're a team, and teammates listen to each other.
You listen to me.
In a team, both people have to function. When we set a time, you're there
and ready to go. You have to pull yourself together
and concentrate fully on this project. From now on, it's all about our film.
Finished?
- Yeah. - You sound just like you used to.
You talk to me as if I were a moron. I've had it with that.
I just need to know if we can write together.
- Can we do that? - Yeah. - Good.
- But don't treat me like a 4-year-old. - Sorry.
And tell your maid to quench the eggs properly.
Okay.
- So tomorrow at 9, my place? - Tomorrow at 9, your place.
What about my egg?
Oh shit!
Are you Henry?
- Who wants to know? - Paris Hilton's sister. Duh, me.
You got a problem?
I'm supposed to give you this. I'm staying with you.
- What? - I'm supposed to stay with you.
- Who are you? - Magdalena. It's all in the letter.
You can come out now! Joke's over!
Are you stupid? There's no one there.
Mommy said you should read the letter.
Listen up: You're going home to mommy and I'm going in there.
And no ding dong ditching.
I know you're behind the door!
You have to read the letter!
Dear Henry, what I have to say might come as a shock,
so please sit down. The little girl who gave you this letter...
is your daughter. Her name is Magdalena
and she's eight years old. I presume you're rather surprised...
- Who brought you? - Mommy's friend.
She said she'd wait till I got in.
- Where's your mom? - In New York.
- Great. - I'm supposed to stay with you.
- Who says? - Mommy.
She's crazy!
Sometimes. But it's only for four weeks this time.
- Want one? - Ha ha, very funny.
- What are you doing? - What does it look like?
Smoking's bad for you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You know what? This is my apartment and I do what I want, got it?
Smoking is still bad for you. It gives you cancer, ages your skin,
and you stink.
Thanks.
My daddy also stopped smoking for me.
You got a problem?
- So you're exactly eight. - How could you be not exactly eight?
Do your parents always drop you off...
- at strangers' houses? - Only friends, and mommy says you're an old friend.
- How old are you? - 42.
Then you're 34 years older than me, just like my dad.
Do you have a men-life crisis, too?
Mom says all men have one because they're afraid they'll miss something.
- Where's your dad? - At work.
What's he do?
My dad is the best orthodontist in all of Berlin.
- What's his name? - Tristan.
- And what's his last name? - Same as mine.
- And what's your last name? - Walser.
Walser! That's funny! I've got an appointment with him right now.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Is the doctor in? - He's with a patient.
Great.
Do you have an appointment?
I don't need one.
- What the hell's going on? - We need to have a chat.
- See my receptionist for an appointment. - It's about your daughter.
- Is something wrong? - No. She's at the front desk.
- What do you have to do with my daughter? - Nada.
Magdalena, what are you doing here?
- I thought you were with Christiane. - She brought me to Henry's.
Who's Henry?
He is.
So it's you.
Daddy...
Are you coming back home?
- What? - Are you coming back home?
Chantal?
Make yourself useful. Look after Magdalena.
Come, let's go play.
Henry Lehnbach.
The resemblance is striking, I must say.
- How could I be so blind. - I'm going to do a paternity test.
Come with me, I'll show you something. I meant to mail it to you.
We conservatively estimated average monthly costs of 590 Euros,
[dusseldorfer tabelle] which deviates only slightly from the federal guidelines.
590 times 12 times 8...
comes to 56,640 Euro on the nose.
Magdalena, at her mother's behest,
attends a private school. 1,100 Euros a month times 12 times 3 makes 39,600.
Three annual vacations, summer Maldives, winter St. Moritz, autumn Majorca,
14,000, 9,000, 4,000 add up to 216,000.
Plus, ballet lessons, begun at the age of 3.
20 Euros per hour, 320 per month, 3,840 per year,
times 5 makes 19,200. Piano...
Well, she quit 2 years ago.
- You know what? I'll let that one slide. - Gee, thanks.
259,440 Euros.
Even if I were the father, you can't seriously expect me to pay all that.
Considering that you ruined my life, I think it's a small price.
It's not my fault you always flew to the Maldives.
The Black Forest is nice, too.
I don't care about the money. You're broke anyway.
I never wanted to meet you, but since you're here,
I can tell you to your face what you've done to me.
I'm listening.
Do you know what it's like to love a child?
A love that's pure, unconditional?
It's the greatest feeling on earth.
When she was born, I held her in my arms.
I took a year off work just to take care of her.
I taught her how to ride a bike,
I never missed a single recital.
I held her hand when her appendix was removed.
This is a dental practice.
I spent so many sleepless nights, tossing and turning,
telling myself that it didn't matter that she's not my daughter,
that it didn't matter that my wife, whom I loved so dearly,
lied to me for eight years. But I can't do it.
- I just can't. - I'm really sorry.
The thing with Charlotte...
- It was an accident. - An accident?
Charlotte and I were best friends for 20 years.
We went to school together, vacations,
but we never slept together. We were living proof...
that men and women can be friends without having sex.
So how did you manage to impregnate Charlotte?
We met by chance at the airport in Stockholm.
All flights were canceled due to snow.
We had to stay in this totally overbooked hotel.
- Let me guess, only the broom closet was free. - No,
we managed to get a small single room.
It was cold, our clothes were damp, we were cold,
- lonely... - Lonely?
- Charlotte and I were planning our wedding. - I know,
she told me about it. She even invited me to come.
- And why didn't you show up? - I didn't get a card.
- I'm so sorry. You know why Charlotte left the girl...
at your door? You're the father and my marriage is ruined.
It's time to assume your responsibility. And I must go...
and tend to my patient. The poor woman's had a cheek retractor in for 45 minutes.
You know where the door is.
Hello Henry,
- how are you? - Are you nuts?
Come pick up your daughter, now!
- She's also your daughter. - Cut the crap!
- What the hell? - We had sex, remember? It can happen.
- We slept together one time. - That's enough to get pregnant.
- How do you know I'm the father? - She was in the hospital.
Their blood types don't match. Tristan can't be the father.
- You're the only other man I was with. - Are you sure?
- What do you mean? - Are you sure
- you didn't screw anyone else? - You're such an asshole.
- Me? You betray your fianc¨¨... - And your girlfriend?
But I didn't get pregnant! You got pregnant and didn't even tell me!
Instead you lie to your husband for eight years, the poor guy,
- and now you leave the kid with me. - The last thing I need
is a sermon from you.
- Did you talk to him about it? - Of course not.
I was so afraid to lose him. He's the man of my life.
My life's a mess.
This is no vacation. It's total chaos.
My company's going under, I don't know which way is up.
I've got legal trouble here. I'll be lucky to stay out of jail.
- I've gotta run. - Where?
To court. Take good care of my baby!
Hey, I can't take care of her. I can't deal with kids.
I don't even like kids.
I'm counting on you. Now I really have to go.
She has to be in bed by nine.
- She needs a good breakfast and a warm dinner. - I can't cook.
- Your coq au vin is exquisite. - It's all I know!
I gotta go.
- What are you doing? - I'm doing my homework.
Are you crazy?
Your mom said lights out at nine. Now turn that light off!
- Come on, it's 11:30. I need to sleep. - I'm almost done.
Turn that light off.
If I don't finish my teacher will get mad.
Give it to me, I'll do it.
- I can do it. - Come here.
I got a "D" in math.
That's not so bad. I always got "F's" in math.
Really?
- It's probably genetic. - Huh?
- That you're no good at math. - I don't get it.
Forging your dad's signature?
I have to. Daddy doesn't live with us anymore.
- I won the silver medal in forging signatures, you know? - Really?
- Can you help me? - If you finally go to bed.
There.
- You can't tell anybody. - It'll be our little secret
- as long as you finally hit the hay. - I have to brush my teeth.
Why do you have so many toothbrushes?
They're for guests.
You sure have a lot of guests.
Well, I'm very popular.
And they all sleep here?
Yeah, they like it here.
That's so cool. No one ever sleeps at my house.
Why don't you have a wife?
I had one once, but then she went away.
How come?
- Because I didn't want kids. - Don't you like kids?
What's your favorite color?
- So? - Yellow.
- Here. - And blue and red and green.
These are for you.
Thank you.
- Now off to bed. - I don't have any pajamas.
- Then sleep nude. - Are you crazy?
That's so cool!
My dad's bad at sewing. Once, he wanted to sew a button onto his pants
and almost sewed his pants to his finger.
Oh, yeah? That's not too good for a dentist.
Now off to bed with you.
- Do you have an alarm clock? - What for? We're sleeping in.
- I have to go to school. - So what time do you get up?
- 6:30. - Really, at 6:30?
You can get up at 6 and make me breakfast.
Sleep tight.
Don't close the door!
Good night.
Even a mouse would go hungry here.
What am I supposed to eat?
Cheese.
Let's see what else we've got.
Capers?
Pickles?
Pickled herring?
Sorry, that's it.
Great. But I have to eat breakfast
- or I can't concentrate at school. - You like Cocoa Puffs?
- Yeah! - Sorry, don't have any.
What a comedian.
Come on, we'll grab a croissant on the way to school.
You have to pick me up at 1.
- Are you kidding? - No.
- How am I supposed to work? - Aren't you on welfare?
Say what?
- You don't even have a car. - Yes, I do.
- So why are we walking? - Because they towed it.
- Why? - Because they're assholes.
- What's your job? - I'm a screenwriter.
What's that?
- You like movies, right? - Yeah.
Well, someone has to think up a story and write it down.
The result is called a screenplay.
- Did you write "Harry Potter"? - No.
"Shrek"?
Nope.
- "Finding Nemo"? - Nope, didn't write that either.
- That's too bad. It's really cool. - Yeah, it's not too bad.
What did you write then?
- I wrote the "Forest Ranger". It's a TV show. - Sounds great.
You think so?
This tastes funny. What is it?
It's a real treat: Coq au vin.
- Coco van? - Coq au vin. It's French.
- And what is it? - Chicken in a wine sauce.
Are you crazy?
- Alcohol is poison for kids! - My God, then just eat the potatoes.
I hate potatoes.
Do you have cheese buns?
- Hello? - Henry, where are you? You're two hours late!
- Fuck, I totally forgot. - That's exactly what I meant. Hello?
I'm hungry!
- Henry, I'm hungry! - Zip it!
Do you have strawberry yoghurt?
- What? - Shut up!
- Fried eggs? - Who's that?
Well, it's...
- Hello? - What the hell?
- Just put it on the heater. That fixes it. - I don't have a heater.
Then use the toaster.
- And that works? - Yep.
- Sure? - Yeah.
The other way, keys down.
What are you going to feed me?
You're going to order a pizza. Just call this number.
- With that phone? - Don't you have a cell?
The boys at school took it from me.
- And you let them? - They're stronger than me.
Oh.
There's the base station. You can call with that. Look at the pictures here
and remember the one you like best. Then you call and a nice man answers.
You tell him what you want and then another nice man brings the pizza, okay?
Don't treat me like a 4-year-old.
I've ordered a pizza before.
I just wanted to explain.
Here's my number. You can call me here if there's an emergency.
But only if there's an emergency, okay? Like a fire or a burglar.
- Burglar? - That was a joke.
I've gotta run. I'll be back in a few hours.
- You have to give me money. - Right.
- Can you break this? - Very funny.
Thanks.
Your phone is done.
Shit!
- What's up? - You have a stain on your shirt.
Walterstrasse 8, Kohlhasenbrk.
Kohlhasen what?
Kohlhasenbrk.
- You know the way? - Yeah.
I'm outta here.
Yeah.
Take it easy, pal.
- Pronto! - Is this "Pizza Ital...
- "...iano"? - Si, si, yes.
I would like...
- a mushroom pizza... - Mushroom.
with pepperoni, ham, cheese, mushrooms, and a big fried egg in the middle.
- You want what? - A fried egg. A big one.
- Okay, what's your name? - Walser.
No, Lehnbach.
- Which one is it? - Lehnbach! - Lehnbach.
Okay. Trenta minuti.
Can't you do it a bit faster?
- You got 50 Euros for the cab? - Did you drive via Paris?
I'm happy I got here at all.
Bambina...
Pizza!
- Password? - Trash.
- Trash? - Yeah.
- What is this? - I wrote twenty pages.
- Why? - I got started.
- You didn't show. Just read it. - Am I your proofreader?
Don't be a jerk. Just read it.
I'm not being a jerk. But if I read this, it'll screw me up.
- Just read it, okay? - Weren't you listening?
- Hello? - There's a guy with a hat and a pizza under his arm.
- That's great. - Maybe it's just a disguise.
- What do you mean? - Maybe he's a burglar.
Tell him to slide the pizza under the door and get lost. I have to work.
Ha ha, very funny.
- Well? - Alright, have it your way.
Dear God!
I'll put the money under the door.
You'll leave the pizza on the ground and leave.
Nice and easy.
Now get lost!
Well?
Let me put it this way: Is this set in stone or can we change it a bit?
A bit. What do you want to change?
- We don't need the first twenty pages. - What do you mean?
Nobody needs this endless yakking about how women feel.
It puts people to sleep.
- What do you suggest? - Nix it.
- It's the start of my book! - Exactly.
People want to see my novel.
- Your novel? - Yeah, my novel!
Who's the screenwriter, me or you?
This is great.
Where's my fried egg?
- Come on. We've got a lot of work to do. - This isn't right. We're right back
- where we left off. - What do you mean?
You're just like you always were.
- Hello? - Do you have any eggs?
- What do you need eggs for? - To make a fried egg.
- I thought you ordered a pizza? - It goes on top.
On top? That's gross.
It's yummy. I'll save one for when you get home.
Okay, just don't burn the place down. I have to work, okay?
- Where were we? - That you haven't changed a bit.
Do you even remember how you ended our relationship?
I didn't end it. You left.
- I didn't leave, you threw me out. - I didn't throw you out.
- You have Alzheimer's? - Can we get on with it?
You could have apologized.
For what? That you threw a toaster at my head?
I only did that because you threw my laptop out the window.
It fell.
You were ten feet from the window.
I tripped.
I had over a hundred pages on it. Unsaved.
Let's just drink up and move on.
We can leave it in.
Oh, how generous.
Oh, shit!
Didn't you hear me?
Only in case of emergencies.
It's an emergency!
Oh, yeah? Did you drop an egg?
- The kitchen's on fire! - Call the fire department!
- I already did! - Where are you?
- At your place! - Where?
In your living room!
- Man, go outside! - I don't need to!
Got a car for me?
- What happened? - An emergency.
- I'll explain later. Well? - The key's in the car.
Magdalena.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I just burned my finger.
- Does it hurt a lot? - A little.
- What's up with you? - Why?
You can't leave her home alone.
Talk about neglect!
I should actually call the cops. Where's the mother anyway?
- Out of town. - Out of town?
What's your relationship to the girl?
He's my dad.
Oh, yeah?
Man, oh man. There should be a parenting license.
Let's go, boys. Don't forget the hose.
You're really not mad?
No.
Not at all.
Actually, I'm kind of proud of you.
Why?
Because you're so good at fibbing.
Daddy says it's bad to lie.
Sometimes, it's not so bad not to tell the truth.
- Like when? - Like when you don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
Sleep tight.
Can you give me a 20 or 30 Euro bill tomorrow?
- Why do you need so much money? - The boys at school told me
that they'll hurt me if I don't give them money.
Really? You tell them that I'll come by if they don't stop.
Can you also go get my donkey family from daddy tomorrow?
Donkey family?
Mommy, daddy, and kid.
I'll call your dad tomorrow. Now sleep tight.
No faking.
Did you do that?
Look, I made breakfast. Yoghurt, buns, cheese, eggs.
I'm not hungry.
You have to eat or you won't be able to concentrate.
- I can't go to school like this. - Why not?
Look at me. I look like the cookie monster.
Don't be silly.
You look cute.
- Do you have barrettes? - Do I look like a woman?
- A head scarf? - I think I can help you there.
Those are the boys.
Go on. I'll wait till you're inside.
Ouch! Are you crazy?
- Where's my money, baby? - I don't have any.
Hey, what's going on here you little butterball?
- It's private. - Private?
- Did you steal her cell phone? - She gave it to me.
That's not true. He took it from me.
- It's mine now. - You want me to kick your pudgy butt?
- You can't kick kids. - You can kick bullies who steal stuff.
You even go to heaven for it. Hand it over.
If you do that again, I'll be back, and I won't be so nice,
- got it? - Yeah.
What's with the hat anyway? It looks stupid.
There,
- looks better already. - Yeah.
Get lost.
If the boys bug you again,
call me and I'll be here before you can say apple pie.
Apple pie.
Thanks.
You're cool.
- Hello. - Hi.
- What happened yesterday? - Huh?
- The emergency. - Oh, that. It was nothing.
- Well then... - Henry, care to fill me in?
- The neighbor's daughter tried to fry an egg. - And?
She torched my kitchen a bit. No big deal.
- What was she doing there? - I look after her sometimes.
- You look after a kid? - Yeah.
Pinch me!
The mother ran off and the dad has night shifts.
They can't afford a babysitter, so I look after her.
How sweet.
What is it?
- What? - You've distorted everything.
It's a novel. And what have I distorted?
- That men always need attention and validation. - It's true.
You always want to hear how great you are.
- And women don't, right? - No.
And who stood before the mirror saying,
"I'm too fat. Do you think I'm too fat?"
That wasn't about attention or validation. I wanted your opinion.
Women want opinions and men validation?
- It was exhausting constantly having to praise you. - Oh, yeah?
It was hard to give you my opinion.
- Are you saying I was too fat back then? - No!
- So what if you were a bit plump? - So what?
I loved you as you were. But you wanted to change me.
If we eat Italian ten times and I want Thai once, that's no crime.
You have to compromise sometimes. You can't always get what you want.
- We ate Thai. - Yeah, with you pouting the whole time.
- You have time tonight? - Why?
- Rob wants to have dinner with us. - I can't stand that guy.
- He is the director. - Yeah, with his white getup.
- Did you steal it? - No, I won the lottery.
Nice little cabin you've got here.
Yeah...
Because of you I spent three months in a shabby hotel.
Why? You didn't have to go on my account.
- Did you do the test? - Yeah. No results yet.
Here's everything.
- The donkey family? - Hold on.
Thanks.
- Where's the donkey kid? - I couldn't find it.
Can you lend me the kids' seat? You're not using it.
- Would you like some cash, perhaps? - 20 Euros?
No worries.
Thanks.
If you change your mind, give me a call,
or just stop by. The address is on there.
She's your daughter, come what may.
She talks about you a lot.
- Is this your car? - No, why?
- This is a no parking zone. - I'm going, okay?
Not yet.
The kid needs a child's seat. That would be ticket number two.
- I've got one. - I don't see one.
- Here. - Great.
In the trunk. That's ticket number three.
- Pardon? - That was a joke.
We'll leave it at two, and I'll ignore the rest.
- Stupid asshole. - You shouldn't say that.
He is one.
Farmer Hansen has ten cows. For a liter of milk, he gets three cent.
Each cow makes five liters a day. How much does he earn per day...
from his cows' milk?
None! With sinking milk prices he'd be better off selling them all!
- That's easy. - That was a joke.
Too bad.
So how much?
I don't know.
- That is a hard one. - Math sucks.
Can you just tell me?
Math is totally overrated. You'll never need it later.
Enough homework for today.
Daddy says it's important if you want to increase your wealth.
Your dad's not always right.
- Look at me. Have you seen me use math in the last few days? - No.
- See? - But you don't have any money either.
Good point.
Mommy says it's not important how much money you have.
She's right.
It's much more important to have friends and someone you love.
Mommy says so, too.
Why didn't you want to have any kids?
Back then I just didn't get it yet.
Do you get it now?
I don't know,
but I think so.
How do I look?
Good. Where are you going?
Tonight, I'm meeting the world famous director Rob Kaufmann.
What's a dissector?
A director is usually a person with a major ego problem.
And who's going to watch me?
- You did just fine last night. - There was a fire last night.
Just promise me you won't fry any eggs.
- Hello! Promise! - I promise.
Better safe than sorry.
I can still make scrambled eggs.
Great, how are we supposed to cook now?
If we want to cook, I'll put it back together.
In 15 minutes you turn it off, pick clothes
for tomorrow, pack your bag, and brush your teeth. Lights out at eight.
Got it? Hello?
Yes!
- Promise? - Promise.
Alright.
- The first time I saw you, you were wearing the exact same suit. - Really?
You were sitting in a caf? writing. Remember?
I just watched you for two hours and then you walked
right up to me and said, "You're distracting me."
Where is that idiot? I'm hungry.
One for you,
and one for your friend. Enjoy.
- Who's that? - Oh, God.
- Hey, Rob! - Kate...
You look fabulous, as always.
- Gross. - Oh, God.
Thanks.
Sore throat?
Style.
- So, now we can go eat, right? - No.
First a cigar.
I need to unwind. It's been a real bitch of a day.
What a fucked up producer.
Can you imagine? A total douchebag.
Next time, I'll be my own producer.
Seriously.
- The usual, Jacques. - But of course.
How's the script coming?
Great. We nixed the whole opening.
- You did what? - We nixed the entire beginning.
People, you can't do that. The beginning is essential.
We need it to understand the characters. You can't just cut the start.
Yeah, we can. We don't want the people to fall asleep.
We no want people sleep, yes?
You may be a fine writer,
but let me take care of the "not sleeping" part.
I know how to grip an audience. My last three films...
drew over nine million viewers.
James Cameron gets that in one day.
Henry...
Forget it.
Cameron makes shallow entertainment. My films have sophistication.
The viewers count double.
Where'd you get that rule?
Hi. I'm sorry, I'm a really big fan...
and wanted to ask for an autograph.
Leibovitz. What's your name?
I meant from her. If you could...I'd be so happy.
I'm your biggest fan.
- "For Anne..." That's me. - Awesome.
So what do you do when you're not assisting Ms. Meese?
I don't assist Ms. Meese, we're writing a script together.
Pardon my error.
You must have some pet project.
All talented writers have one, right?
"The Forest Hunter" is being canceled, I hear.
- "The Forest Ranger"! - Whatever.
I've been working on a story about a cuckold, the kid, and the other guy.
What's the central conflict?
The central conflict is...
What is a father, actually?
- So what is a father? - That's the central conflict.
- Where's the mother? - She doesn't play a big role. She ran off to New York.
It's about two guys facing off. One guy,
the guy who always thought he was the father,
loses it when he learns the truth.
And the other guy,
who never wanted kids but is probably the father,
is totally overwhelmed by the situation.
Great story. Thanks.
- Sounds a bit chaotic. - That's the whole point.
What genre?
I don't really know yet.
Sounds like a classical drama.
But it won't fly here.
Well, guys. Let's eat, shall we?
No way!
- We'll start at nine. - So early?
- Yeah. Want a lift? - That would be nice.
Henry, dear!
Out buying condoms again?
- Enjoying yourselves? - Oh, yeah!
- Introductions? - Right. Er...
This is Katharina Meese and this is... er... er
He forgot our names.
He screws too many...
to remember them.
- Right, Henry dear? - It's been a whole week.
You can't remember everything.
- Have you been drinking? - We're as dry as the Sahara.
No pun intended.
You coming home soon?
Nice work.
Be glad we didn't scratch your eyes out.
I said no fried eggs tonight.
I didn't. They're scrambled.
- What're you doing here? - You said I could come by
- if I wanted to. So I did. - Have you been drinking?
Just a spritzer.
- Aren't you going to ask me in? - No, I'm tired.
- Where is she? - Who?
- My daughter. - She's asleep.
- I wanna see her. - What, now?
Now or never!
This way.
- Is that the bed where you did it with Charlotte? - No,
that was in Stockholm, remember?
Oh, right.
Right.
I'm tired. Let's go.
Daddy...
what are you doing here?
I wanted to see if you are okay.
I'm okay.
Are you gonna stay?
You and Henry can sleep on the couch.
Hello!
- I'm late for school! - Shit! I had an appointment at eight!
- Ready. - Daddy...
I'm mildly sedated, can you drive me?
No way! I gotta go to school!
- I'm going to get in trouble. - I'll write you a note.
You? How could you do it? I'm the father.
- Great, then start writing. - Here.
- What should I write? - Well, not the truth.
I can't believe your drunk driving last night. It's totally irresponsible.
- You just see to it that Magdalena gets to school on time. - Me?
It's all your fault we're late.
Don't fight!
A high fever!
Are you crazy? I couldn't go to school like that!
Well, she's right.
- Say she was at the dentist's. It's not even a lie. - That's good.
That's good.
We're there!
You redneck!
Get in there now. Come on.
Thanks.
If I can be of service to you, don't hesitate to contact me.
- Why so formal? - Call me anytime.
- How will you get home? - Dunno. A taxi, I guess.
I'll get that.
- Thanks. - It'll be added to the bill.
Taxi!
- You have one foot in the abyss. - Why?
You are late again! Come!
Please.
- Let's get started. - Henry, we have a script to finish,
and you show up late
- because you screwed chicks all night? - I did not!
- Was it good? - Katharina!
- It's a bad time. - Tristan, I need your help.
- What is it? - Can you pick up Magdalena from school
and keep her tonight?
Please, just for one night. I'll pick her up tomorrow.
Please! I'm really in a jam.
Bye!
Where's Henry?
I don't know. He's busy.
You coming?
- Our script is great. - Did you expect otherwise?
No.
- Why didn't it work before? - You never listen to anyone.
- That's bunk. - So why do you have to write "Forest Ranger"
- even though you're a great writer? - I like it.
The "Forest Ranger"? Yeah, right.
- Have you ever even seen it? - Yeah. Once. That was enough.
Henry, you used to call that mainstream crap. Nothing was good enough.
Too mainstream, too arthouse, too smart,
too shallow, too this, too that.
- And you throw the best idea you ever had in the trash. You know why? - Tell me.
You never finish anything.
- You finished? - Yeah.
Why were you even with me if I'm such an idiot?
I loved to talk all night with you, at least when you listened.
I always felt safe with you,
and I loved to laugh with you.
- Is that all? - And I always loved to go shoe shopping with you.
- You're lying through your teeth. - You're right.
Tristan...
How are you?
Not good.
How's Magdalena?
Quite well, I think.
I'm so sorry.
Me, too.
How's the trial going?
I'm not sure. I think it's going well.
There could be a settlement.
That would be good.
Can we talk again when I get back?
I love you.
How does the story end?
- What story? - The story about the kid
with the two fathers. What happens?
Oh, that.
Where were we?
That the biological father was totally overwhelmed.
- You remembered that? - Of course. So what happens?
The biological father is overwhelmed.
The last thing he ever wanted...
was to have a kid. But then something happens:
He starts to love the child.
For the first time, he feels a sense of responsibility.
Nice. I like it.
He looks back at his life and realizes he's made lots of mistakes.
- Is there a woman in the story? - Yes, there is.
- What happens with her? - I don't know yet.
I have an idea, but I don't know if it's going to work.
It's funny...
I knew you were the father, and yet I'm truly shocked.
- What do I do now? - You're asking me?
I don't know a thing about kids.
- You have to tell her the truth. - Me?
- Why don't you tell her? - I can't do it either.
I mean, you got us into this mess,
it's only fair that you should tell her.
- Okay, I'll do it. - Oh, God.
- Will you manage? - I think so.
You have to be gentle.
I'm not an idiot, okay?
Magdalena, you know where you come from, right?
From Berlin.
No, I mean before your birth.
From Mommy's belly.
And do you know how you got in there?
What kind of a dumb question is that?
What's dumb about it?
Mommy and Daddy made love...
and Daddy's sperm had a race...
and the one that won was mine.
- Then it combined with Mommy's egg cell. - Tell me,
- where did you learn all that? - From the internet.
When I was your age, I thought storks brought babies.
There was no internet back then.
That's true.
Why did you ask me that?
- Ask you what? - Where I come from?
No reason.
If you were my dad, I would bug you until you stopped smoking.
- Happy? - Yes.
- Hello? - Well?
- Well what? - How'd she take it?
- She doesn't know yet. - You were going to tell her!
- I'm working on it! - You're working on it?
- You want to do it? - No, no.
- I don't know how to tell her. - A fairy tale.
- That's it! - What about the truth?
Are you that stupid? Present it as a fairy tale!
- That's good. - I know.
- That's really good. - Yeah.
Once upon a time there was a knight named Henry...
charged by the king to escort princess Charlotte...
to her betrothed, Tristan, the king of Cornwall.
But on the way to Britain they accidentally drank a love potion
intended for Charlotte and Tristan. They began to kiss,
although they didn't love each other. Because the potion was so strong,
they made love.
Afterwards, they felt horrible because Charlotte...
was promised to Tristan, and the noble knight Henry...
was with Katharina, princess of Saxony-Anhalt.
Nine months later, Charlotte gave birth to a girl and named her Magda.
Yes?
- What's going on here? - Nothing, why?
- I thought of an ending. - Ending for what?
- For your father story. - Oh.
Great. Can you tell me tomorrow?
- Tomorrow? You have wine? - No.
- What's up with you? Can you let me in, please? - I can't...
Why not?
- Are your two bunnies here? - No, no one's here.
I'm just incredibly tired and I have to sleep and...
Your toilet just flushed.
- Like yours, just backwards. First you flush, then you clap. - Right.
- What is it with today? - Another date?
I'm sure it's just the neighbor. I'll get rid of him.
Oh, shit.
Henry, what the hell?
- What do you want? - I have to talk to you.
I can't right now.
- Open the damn door! - Jehovah's Witnesses!
- Henry, open the door! - Not interested!
- I'm not selling anything, I have to talk to you.
Henry, open the damn door!
- Look what I found. - She's got one already.
No, it's the baby donkey.
They belong together forever. They're a family!
I'll give it to her.
Let go of me!
- I have to talk to you. - Not now.
- There's been a change of plans. - What do you mean?
- Charlotte doesn't want Magdalena to know the truth. - Wait here.
- I'll get some cigarettes, okay? - Magdalena, come. Henry...
I'm not interested!
What did Charlotte say?
What are you doing here?
Me?
I came to visit Henry.
You're pretty.
Thank you.
You are, too.
- Who are you? - I live here at the moment.
Have a seat.
- Who do you belong to? - I don't belong to anyone. I'm not a car.
Who are you?
I'm a friend of Henry's.
What's your name?
Katharina.
Like the princess of Sexy Anthill.
Oh God, no!
How bloody stupid!
Couldn't you have waited a day? Charlotte's going to kill me.
I was pretty subtle. I told it like a fairy tale,
- just like you said. I don't think she understood it. - Are you sure?
- Pretty sure. - Let's hope for the best.
I've got to go. I have to pick up Charlotte at the airport in the morning.
Why is she interfering anyway?
First, she runs off to New York. Now, she chimes in with great advice.
Hey, she's not chiming in,
I asked her. She's Magdalena's mother,
in case you forgot. And she didn't just run off,
she's in the midst of a difficult trial that nearly got her jailed.
Calm down! I didn't mean it like that.
Why are you so sad?
I'm not sad.
Yes, you are.
That was a very nice story, but I really have to go now.
The story's not true, is it?
It was nice to meet you.
Bye.
So, let me introduce you to my little neighbor friend.
We already met.
Your daughter is very sweet.
- Hey! - Don't touch me!
Knight Henry, you're such a prick!
Your girlfriend went away again, huh?
- Did you tell her the fairy tale? - Yes.
- Is that why she ran away? - Yep.
- I'm sorry. - It's not your fault but all mine.
- I'll go and try to talk with her, okay? - Don't leave.
- You want some ice cream? - I want you to stay here.
You smell like smoke.
I like her a lot. If I don't talk to her, she may never come back.
The knight story really happened, didn't it?
Why did you have to drink that stupid love potion?
I really have to go.
Here.
No, don't open the door!
- But Katharina... - Maria.
- I'll just open the door and go to bed. - Just go.
Okay, good night.
Screw off!
Katharina, let me in!
Screw off, asshole!
- Come on, open the door. - Screw off!
- Come on, let me in. Please! - Screw off!
What the hell. Are you crazy?
What the hell? Oh shit, you're bleeding.
Damn it! You are such an idiot.
You've seen too many movies.
- Everything okay? - Yes, Henry just had an accident.
- Are you sure? - Yes. Go back to bed.
- Should I call a glazier? - In the middle of the night? Go to bed.
- Ambulance? - Maria...
I want you to go now, please,
- but this time through the door. - Katharina, let's talk.
- Talk about what? - Please, just five minutes.
Time's running.
I'm waiting. You got three minutes left.
- Katharina... - Katharina?
Is that the best you can think of?
What did you think I'd do when I found out you had a kid?
Commit suicide?
You impregnate someone while we're together and don't even tell me.
- I only just found out. - You fed me this phony melodrama.
"Neighbor's daughter, father has no cash for a babysitter..."
You're such a coward.
- Do you know how much I wanted children with you? - That's not fair.
- I didn't know I had a child. - Not fair?
"Not fair" is having unprotected sex while you're together with me.
- Ever heard of condoms? - I didn't have one on me.
Go.
Go, I want to be alone.
I love you.
Go.
- Hello? - Why is Magdalena at your place?
She knows you're her father. You left...
although she asked you to stay. She didn't want to be alone.
- How is she? - She's asleep now, but...
she had a thousand questions.
- Did she cry? - No, no...
but she asked me...
if I was still her dad...
and if there was an antidote for the love potion.
What did you say?
That there isn't one.
I mean whether you're still her dad.
Oh.
I said yes. But I also said...
that she now had two dads...
and that that was an especially cool thing.
I'll come get her now so I can take her to school tomorrow.
No, Magdalena's asleep now.
Tomorrow morning we'll go pick up her mom.
Let's meet for lunch and talk then.
Hallo Henry, it's Katharina. I'm just going to say this once,
I guess you know anyway. We can't continue with the script.
I need to take a break and think about what to do. I don't know.
You should really go see a doctor so your hand doesn't get infected.
Hello.
Hi. How are you?
Terrible.
- How'd it go at the airport. - Good.
- What happened to your hand? - Nothing.
Henry, I had a long talk with Charlotte.
We want to give our marriage another chance. Be a family.
That's great, I'm happy for you.
Well, there's a little problem.
Henry, Charlotte and I really appreciate what you've done for us.
Not everyone would have, and you have my utmost respect.
What are you talking about?
- That you took such good care of Magdalena. - Took?
We want Magdalena to come home, and I would be grateful...
Don't misunderstand me.
I like you, a lot even, despite everything.
But I would be grateful if you stayed out of my...
out of our lives.
Screw you.
You know why I'm in your life?
Because you didn't want Magdalena.
No, because you fucked my wife.
No, I'm in your life because Charlotte left Magdalena at my door.
Because you didn't want her.
I couldn't take her, because I was beside myself!
Can you imagine what it's like to find out that your daughter...
is not your child? But now I know...
that I can't live without her. She's a part of me.
I feel the same. I can't live without her either.
You don't have to. She likes you.
We'll find a way.
She can visit you, you can pick her up.
I don't have to be there.
Magdalena should decide where she wants to live.
Magdalena can't decide that. She's a child.
Magdalena wants to live with her mother, and I'm her mother's partner.
I'm sorry.
There's just no place for you. Try to fix things with your girlfriend.
She told me about it.
I hope it's not too bad. She told me...
that she's pretty and really nice. Excuse me.
Hi there, Sweetie.
- Can we go swimming today? - Swimming?
What about the dinosaurs at the museum?
Dinosaurs are for little kids. I want to go swimming.
- I don't have a swimsuit. - We'll buy you one.
- Okay, we'll buy one. - I need a bikini.
How come? There's nothing...
An orange one with green spots.
- Orange with green spots, got it. - I love you.
I love you, too. Kiss kiss...
How could you screw up a job like that?
You hit the jackpot.
I should really throw you out.
- You got anything for me? - No.
Give me something.
I've got nothing. You know the game.
- Nothing but reality TV. - Then I can go.
Channel 5's got a new soap.
I know the producer. I can ask. You need money?
380 Euros would be good. I could really use the old beater.
- The rest is for rent. - Thanks.
Did you know that the whole project's dead?
She threw in the towel. The film deal's history.
Mind if I sit down?
- If you want to have a shitty time. - You're a real charmer.
I've been watching you from over there.
- Why don't you go back and watch some more? - Asshole!
Get lost.
I have to talk to you two.
It's important that we agree on basic parenting issues...
so she can't play you off...
- against each other. - I wouldn't do that, Mom.
Yes, Dear.
Henry should be able to see Magdalena as often as he wants.
- Whenever he wants? - Tomorrow, for instance.
- What do you think? - Awesome.
But tomorrow we wanted to go shopping.
- You work tomorrow. - I'll take the day off.
- You? - Yes, me.
Then you all go together.
What is this, a tag team?
- Can I say something? - Sure.
- We can just split the days. - Proposal?
- Tuesdays, Thursdays, every other weekend. - No way.
I want Tuesdays. Wednesdays I work late.
Okay. Then Wednesdays, Fridays and every other weekend.
- Fridays we often travel over the weekend. - You cant' just pick and choose!
Forget Fridays. Take every fourth weekend.
- Are you nuts? - This is dumb!
- What's dumb, Sweetie? - The way they're fighting!
What do you want, Sweetie?
- I just want them to stop fighting. - We're not...
- We're... - I don't want...
- We're not fighting, we're talking. - Let her finish.
Sorry.
What did you want to say?
I love you both.
You hear that?
Great, now I'll be stuck with him for the rest of my life.
Nice work, you two.
- Tristan... - Sorry.
- Organic mushrooms, yum. - It's good for her.
- We can go collect some in the woods. - Yes, we can.
Put the damn mushrooms in the cart.
- You trying to provoke me? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah!
Are you kidding? What is all this stuff?
- Chocolate is good for the soul. - It's bad for your teeth.
Not if you always brush your teeth.
Henry gave me a ton of toothbrushes.
She brushes like a champion at my place.
Put it back.
- Good God, let her have a few sweets. - A few?
Alright, put the necklace back and daddy will be happy.
You're trying to undermine my parenting.
- You won't succeed. - Just relax, man.
I'm relaxed.
I just want to ensure that our daughter eats healthily.
Me, too. Look, organic milk. From happy cows.
Samantha.
Samantha!
- Samantha, can you give me a hand here? - Huh?
It's not "huh," but "what"!
Why not scream louder, Mom? How embarrassing!
Move it!
- She likes these. - Are you nuts? - Huh?
It's not "huh," but "what"!
It's not "what," but "I beg your pardon"!
- They're unhealthy. - Here, organic chips.
- Put them back. - We're buying them.
They're full of carcinogens.
- Says who? - I do.
- I'm a doctor, remember? - You're a dentist.
We'd like to check out now.
- It was him. - They're my two dads. They fight sometimes
but we'll straighten them out.
- That's not it. - Wanna bet?
I told you.
- Hello? - Henry?
Katharina...
I read your screenplay.
Henry, are you there?
- What do you think? - I'll tell you when you get here.
- Where are you? - In our bar.
I'm not alone.
Is your neighbor's daughter with you?
Yeah.
Then bring her along.
- You want to go out with me? - Anytime.
- Hi there, you two. - Hello.
- What'll you have? - Vodka tonic.
- Vodka tonic? - Just kidding. I'll have a coke.
Excuse me. A whisky for the gentleman and a coke for his guest.
- He stopped smoking. - Really?
How come?
It's unhealthy, gives you cancer, ages your skin, and you stink.
Now, as for your screenplay,
the first twenty pages would put people to sleep.
- What do you propose? - Nix it.
Are you crazy? They're absolutely essential.
You want people sleep, leave in, yes?
I'll think about it.
- Anything else? - The names are ridiculous.
- Why? - Why? Harry, Karin, Manuela...
- They're just names. I can change them. - You should.
- Was there anything you liked? - The rest.
The rest is awesome. Especially the end,
when Harry marries Karin, they have four kids and live happily ever after.
Do you think it could work in real life?
I do.
- You do? - I do.
But the average life expectancy for a man is 76, and you're 42.
- So? I've still got 36 years. - No, 34.
- Huh? - 76 minus 42 is 34.
See? That's why I always say how important it is...
- to do your math. - Silly.
Can we finally just finish our script?
There's nothing I'd rather do.
Go ahead and kiss already!